Progress Made

It’s a funny place I find myself in, sitting comfortably in my mid-thirties, rid of all the angst of my late teens to mid-twenties. I still recall the emotional turmoil I was in, the loneliness, the anger- so much anger! Despite the ability to recall it all, in vivid detail, it also feels like a lifetime ago. The suffering definitely helped to shape who I am, but that person, that version of myself seems foreign to me now.

I remember… staying up all night, watching tv and chatting over AIM with 5 people at once and writing two pieces at a time. I remember all the pent up rage over my (perceived) inability to live a normal life. I remember the feelings of isolation, desperation, and loneliness that overwhelmed me. I remember having my first full blown panic attack one night around 1am, while watching Vanilla Sky, wondering if I should wake my parents to take me to the hospital or let them sleep and maybe find me dead on the couch in the morning. I let them sleep and hoped and prayed I wasn’t having a heart attack and dying like I thought I was, like I felt I was.

I remember… writing dark and twisted poetry about the fury, the sorrow, and romanticizing suicide. I never truly considered it but it felt like such a tempting escape from the misery I was in.

I think back to all the crazy that I attracted to my life during that time. The drama filled people who seemed to find me like I was a magnet and truth be told, I probably was. It seemed like one friend after another was in crisis. My friendship circle consisted of self-harmers, pill poppers, and the like. It was also filled with people who had been dealt some really shitty hands in life but year after year they continued to be the victim rather than become the heroine of their own life. I remember one often repeating, “I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve all of this.”

I remember… finding solace in the darkness of depression, the depression that anxiety drove me into. Misery does love company and I found my tribe. I remember feeling so liberated being able to share the chaos and storms that were swirling within me. I was no longer alone in my looney tribe of misfits. We were all wounded in our own ways and suffering but we had each other and that made it less lonely.

I remember… the clouds starting to lift in my life. The poetry dried up and I feared I was losing my creativity. I remember that the down moments came less frequently, the mood swings not as severe. I remember feeling at odds with myself because I didn’t recognize myself anymore without turmoil. Sometimes, even now, a little part of me misses it. For the creativity that is. There is something about angst and writing that go hand in hand, at least in my twisted mind.

Yet, I wouldn’t go back to it. I like being in a happy place now. That’s not to say my life is perfect but I am more appreciative now. I understand my anxiety better and have a better handle on it. I’m thankful for my struggles because there are somethings one cannot fully understand without experiencing them, mental health issues being one of them. Yes, I remember my battle and I’m grateful for it but I am so content to be exactly where I am right now. 100_0291_2.jpg

Education

I have long known that when it comes to our government and politics I am, to say the least uneducated. I don’t really have a good concept of how things are supposed to work. I know there are ‘checks and balances,’ that involve our three branches of government (executive, legislative, and judicial). I know that one major premise of our government involves the separation of church and state (which a certain party seems to conveniently forget). I know there was a cartoon when I was a kid that talked about how bills are made into laws… Even as I write this I know how woefully ignorant I am…

Considering the current situation our country is in and my general distaste for not knowing things, I’m seeking out an education on the basics. I’m researching,  starting to study the Constitution, Bill of Rights, learn more about civics etc. I’m reading up on other political parties and what their stances are to find what truly reflects my values and belief in what a government should be. I’ve been following what our legislative branch has been voting on and who is voting what. I’ve called more senators in the last week than I have my entire life. I’m done sitting on the sidelines. I’m done being the person that complains but does nothing. We are supposed to be a government for the people, by the people. Sadly, too many of us have sat back on the sidelines allowing corporations, lobbyists, and the like to take over.

Our government, as it stands, does not serve the best interests of the people. The only way that will change is if the people make it change. I’m not telling anyone what party to support, who to vote for in different elections, etc. What I am saying is, if you’re unhappy about the way things are do something about it!shutterstock_252537448.jpg

First Step…

They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that it exists. Well, I’ve long admitted that I have issues; with anxiety, stress, social anxiety, trust, insecurity, abandonment, need for control, need to fix everything, take care of everyone, etc. Ok in all fairness most of the issues stem from anxiety/social anxiety. I’ve known that ALL people could benefit from therapy while actively avoiding going to therapy. I did try it once, but it was the wrong fit and quite disastrous. Also, being (mostly) self aware I knew a lot of the things I need to change/work on/address so… How would discussing it with a stranger help me, really?

shutterstock_139247051.jpgStill… As the anxiety/stress was leaving my shoulders and stomach in knots, as I was reeling from the emotional fallout of some big decisions, and knowing that I deserve better in life I finally sucked it up and sought out therapy. Again.  I called my insurance stuffs, found a recommendation, and made an appointment. Even making an appointment led to my active mind kicking into overdrive. My therapist treats people in his office or at his home. His home was closer and also better parking options not to mention the day that worked best for me happened to be a day he was working out of his home. Enter active mind: I’m meeting a man I do not know, in his home, and I’ll be alone. Is that really safe?  Is that wise? What if he is creepy? What if he is some weirdo? What if, what if, what if? The two biggest words that roll around in my brain. Ok. STOP. BREATHE. 1. If your health insurance/employment is recommending this person he probably checks out. 2. If he is some psychotic, monster he probably wouldn’t have passed whatever screening was necessary to be recommended by reputable companies. 3. Just hush noisy brain. Hush.

For anyone who has never gone to therapy, the first session mainly revolves around paperwork, dotting the i’s, crossing the t’s, establishing what is bringing you in, in a nutshell. The first appointment we didn’t discuss anything huge. Right away I felt at ease with him. He reminds me of my uncle John that passed away. He has a plant growing in his living room, the same kind of plant that my sisters and I gave to our relatives for Christmas one year as kids. I felt comfortable.  I also realized pretty quickly that he was perceptive and picked up on the things I wasn’t saying. While we didn’t cover anything deep or significant, I felt lighter. He gave me some ideas to consider, a few challenges in how I think about things.

At this point I’m about 5 or 6 sessions in. I can definitely see it helping me. I was right, I know a lot of the things I need to work on but it does help having someone neutral to discuss things with. I’m finding that I am getting better at stopping my mind from spiraling out. My aunt says I am calmer, less nervous. The thing I’m finding, I didn’t fully realize how neurotic I was until I started making positive changes. I was explaining one of those realizations lately to my best friend and told her, “I was so crazy before, the thought process that would have been going through my head over something so insignificant, but now, I am ok with making this inconsequential decision and not analyzing it to death or assuming what the other person could be thinking.” She was very  gracious and told me I wasn’t crazy before but that my brain was definitely very busy and that it must have been exhausting. True dat. 

Processing

IMG_1047I’ve been processing a lot lately. I’ve been evaluating myself, my life, my relationships.  I’ve been looking at what brings me stress and what brings me joy. I’ve been focusing on my motivation and gratitude. I’ve made tough choices, I’ve made changes, I’m leaving myself vulnerable in ways I haven’t in a long time. It’s been scary and difficult and painful but I am moving in the right direction.  I couldn’t have done it without my support system, my family, my close friends.

I still have a long ways to go. I’m realizing that this world and all its ugliness is leaving my soul tired. It’s depressing and makes my heart hurt. It makes me want to run away, buy an island (like I have money for that), and never interact with the world at large again. Instead I need to be a force of change. I can’t run, I can’t hide. I can only do what I can to make the world a better place.

I have to let go of what I can’t fix because in truth, I want to fix anything and everything that brings me sorrow. I am accepting my limitations rather than dwelling on what I cannot change. I’m letting go and opening up at the same time. It’s hard, I don’t like to let go, but it’s a process and one I’m committed to.

Great and Terrible

I am simultaneously great and terrible. Life is progressing, school is coming along, and on my quest for health, I am closer to having answers.

Sadly the answers are not fast enough as I sit here in pain. Thursday I went to see the “female” doctor and the GI doc. I have a test set up for next week. However, Friday, I awoke feeling miserable, my stomach churning and in pain, and to top it off I was quite anxious. The anxiety grew into a full blown panic attack. I got up, popped a xanax and used some oils for calming. I was awake much earlier than I needed to be for work and my plan was to take control of how I was feeling, I had no intention of missing work.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I was still incredibly anxious and my stomach was hurting/nauseous something fierce. (Avoiding more details as I think you get the picture). I called in and went right back to bed. Hours later I awoke feeling a bit better. Still queasy but food seemed like it could work out. I ate a little, then worked on school work, while playing some episodes of Once Upon A Time in the background. Gotta love Netflix.

By three in the afternoon I was thoroughly exhausted, drained from feeling so poorly and the panic attack I guess. I laid back down in my bed and dozed on and off until maybe 8pm? I got up, worked on more school work and then decided to call it a night as I had to work at 9am today.

I couldn’t sleep. Not because I had slept all day, I was still tired. I was in pain. So. Much. Pain. Heartburn that I think burned a hole through something, pain in my right side and along the bottom of my ribcage, the stabbing pain in my left side was back. I got up and popped several drugs, tried repositioning many times over, anything for some relief.

Hours later some relief finally came and I dozed off only to be awoken at 6am by more pain. I popped more drugs and went back to bed until 7:30am when I had to get up for work. I was still miserable and called off, feeling horrible for leaving them shorthanded.

Eventually I fell back asleep and then got up around noon. I had some tea and then some yogurt. I binge watched Girls to the point I am now caught up. Then I switched to Sex and the City episodes from the first season. I pondered life a bit and felt good that I am closer to figuring out what the heck is causing me so much pain and discomfort. I decided to be happy that the lack of appetite will probably spur some weight-loss, which is needed to be at a healthier weight. (Belly fat = increased risk of lots of nasty things) I am also putting way more effort into school than I ever have before, which is a great feeling. I know I am on the right track to claim the life I have always dreamed off.

As I sat today, with a dull ache in my side, watching some of my favorite shows, hearing the sounds of my neighbors enjoying this beautiful, if not slightly cool day- I realized, despite the current annoyances, I’m happy.

Back to School Take 2

So I am back in school, it is official. I have completed one week of class already. While the new week started yesterday I have not done much about it other than map out what is due and when. I figure that is a good enough start.

I cannot believe that it is already September. I am trying to soak up every ounce of good weather that we have left. I have been walking my dogs like crazy! I’ve been riding my bike, though not in a few days now. I’ve cut lawn but it is about time to do that again. I sit on my patio sometimes while reading things for school. I will make the most of this weather while it is here.

The increase in my physical activity and tracking my food is starting to pay off. I have lost about three pounds and I have been told that I look like I am losing weight. That is always a great feeling to know my hard work is paying off a bit.

This week I see two doctors in the quest of fixing me. That is about it for me and my life at the moment. I’m happy, busy, and at peace.

Coming Together/Falling Apart

It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. For one thing I was pretty busy, between a trip to Vegas, evidently going on a dating spree, and a few other miscellaneous stuffs I have been MIA. There have been words, raw emotions, and stories inside of me that have wanted to come out but I needed time to process. Here goes…

A few months ago now, I started seeing someone. He was kind of amazing (still is) but we are no longer seeing each other. It was one of those out of nowhere things that happened, which is always the best kind, and then out of nowhere it kind of fell apart. 

I was really, truly, hurt. I didn’t realize in our brief time he had gotten in so deep. We still talk now, as friends, and I am grateful for the experience we had. While it sucked to see it fall apart, the situation made me realize that I am not broken. I can care for a man and actually let someone in, and when I do, I actually want to see that person more than once a week. (Yes I am very twisted and a commitment phobe). 

Usually for me, dating feels like work- at least to some degree. Even if I am kind of excited about the guy I have to force myself to make plans because I am a homebody. I prefer my quiet time. Well this guy came along and I found myself wanting to see him. It wasn’t an intrusion or an inconvenience. So all in all, it was a good thing, a reminder to me of what is possible. Granted, had I written about it a month ago I would be singing a different tune, which is why I waited. I had to grieve and be hurt and accept and then I could finally see what good had come forth from it all. 

After that situation, I seem to have fallen into a dating spree. Three dates over the past three weekends, none of which shall lead anywhere. Part of me feels like giving up on dating, or at least taking a break. However, I do have a weakness for attractive men so I know myself enough to know the next attractive male that comes along, I’ll make plans to see. 

On another note, I have been doing a little better at that whole domestic thing. In the evenings I have taken the time to go outside and pull weeds, spray weeds (I HATE chemicals but I have yet to find a good solution to them), cut lawn, clean inside the house, etc. It’s a good feeling when I take on a project and finish it, seeing the results of my work. 

I’ve also been playing with a software that would help me to create an ebook and publish it. So before the end of this year I think I will finally publish my morbid poetry online. All in all, things are coming together even if some days I am falling apart.