Upswing

I’ve been on a major upswing since my last post. I’ve been working on finding what makes me happier and healthier and embracing that. I’ve made the following changes: 

With the help of my primary care physician we found the right meds for my anxiety with very little, if any, side effects for me. I saw my therapist again for a while and that was enlightening and strengthening as always.  I don’t know if anyone else feels strong after therapy but I sure do! 

I left the job that I’d been at for nearly 10 years as it had become a major source of stress and unhappiness. I no longer saw a spot for me there in the long term and I wasn’t happy with where I was at. I took a leap (and a pay-cut) to have a better work/life balance. I have my evenings, weekends, and holidays free for the first time in my 22 years of working. Since I was used to working odd shifts and days, it was a HUGE adjustment working five continuous days. It kicked my butt! I have since adapted and I LOVE it. The best part? I can see myself investing in this new company and I’m excited for what my future holds. 

I’ve deleted Facebook. Not just quit signing in, or deactivating it, I flat out permanently deleted it. Today is the day it is no longer recoverable and I feel great. I’ve wanted to get rid of it for years but was too chicken to pull the trigger. I was terrified I’d be missing out. After really considering it though, if that was the only way I had to be in touch with someone, clearly we were not that connected. The political posts, the people who had to jump down my throat when I had views different from theirs, it was a time suck and it caused me more unhappiness and annoyance than it did connection. It had to go and it did!

My younger sister, Sam, has been on her own fitness journey for some time now. I’ve mainly watched and said, “Nope, nope, nope. I love nachos, ice cream, wine, coffee, pizza, oh goodness do I love pizza! I am a professional couch potato.” I had no interest in making changes or doing the work. Then… I’ve had some reasons as of late that have inspired me to start making changes. Health concerns with people I care about, never fully feeling comfortable in my own skin because I knew I was neglecting myself, seeing Sam’s success. It was just time. 

So a month and half ago I bought a membership to Beach Body OnDemand. I started 21 Day Fix and man that first day kicked my ass so hard I was sore for a week but I kept pushing.  I finished week 1 and started week 2 before falling off. Luckily Sam and Erica ran a fitness challenge that started August 13th and I restarted my workout program then. I am proud to say that yesterday I completed day 21!!!!  This week I’m going to tackle a weeklong program called, “Clean Week,” before going back to 21 Day Fix. 

I’ve also been tracking my food intake in the Lose It app as a way of becoming accountable and aware of what I’m consuming. At first it felt hard to stay within the calories I was allowed for the day. It felt very restrictive but as time goes on, it gets easier to make healthier choices and I’m often under for the day. I do splurge though, here and there, as we have to live life and sometimes horrible for you but delicious foods or beverages are going to be a part of that. 

Changes are happening slowly. I’m seeing different muscles becoming more defined. I fit back into the dress pants I bought for my new job and quickly outgrew thanks to some weight gain. Granted, I text Sam almost every day and say something like, “I’ve tracked my food and worked out for a month. I’m putting in the work. Shouldn’t I be fit now?” She very graciously and patiently reminds me that I didn’t get to where I was overnight or in a single month nor will I get to where I want to be that quickly. Then she will continue with some encouraging or supportive messages that I just dismiss with a, “Yeah yeah. When will I be fit?” Thank god she loves me! 

I’ve been reading more which is a balm to my soul. I love reading! For the longest time though I was engaging in mindless tv watching rather than doing something I really love. I still watch tv but now, if I’m watching tv I’m engaged and purposefully watching something or I turn it off. My current reading consists of Rachel Hollis’, “Girl, Wash Your Face,” and the book “Stray: Memoir of a Runaway,” by Tanya Marquard. If anyone is looking for an amazingly inspiring, funny, and heartwarming book I highly recommend you check out “Girl, Wash Your Face.” 

SO that is where I’m at it. Taking it one step at a time, making changes, embracing successes and doing my best to celebrate LIFE. 

 

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Struggle, Anxiety, Meds

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The last several months the struggle with anxiety has been all too real. I’ve suffered from and dealt with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and panic attacks for over half of my life at this point. I’ve been on and off medication, mostly on, since I was 23 years old. Despite the fact it helps I also hate medication. I hate the side effects. I hate being tired all of the time. I hate sweating. However, I’ve come to the conclusion, I need to be on medication.

In the past when I’ve gone off of medication I was reckless and stubborn. I went off meds before cold turkey, not once, but twice. I suffered withdrawals. I was miserable. I made my family miserable.

This time had to be different. This time, I felt like I was in a really solid place in life. Good job, house, meditating, had seen a therapist, etc. I felt ready to tackle life without medication. This time I reached out to my doctor to wean off properly and I even got the info at least a month in advance.

I weaned off, slowly and carefully as prescribed and man… I felt great. I wasn’t tired all the time. On my days off I was actually making plans to be social rather than hide in my house and nap and be lazy. I had energy! My sleep was great! The annoying and ridiculous sweating stopped. Life was lovely for maybe a month.

Slowly though, impatience started creeping in. Anger started seeping out the seams. Frustration was being aimed at my dogs and my parents and my aunt. Work has been kind of messed up since June 2017 and just kept getting worse, more overwhelming. By November I had a massive panic attack. Every day I was questioning myself if I was doing the right thing by being off of medication. I was constantly analyzing how I felt and trying to determine if I needed medication again.

By December it was abundantly clear with the never ending tension in my neck and shoulders. I reached out to my doctor and set up an appointment. Thankfully, unlike my last primary care physician, my current one listens to me. We discussed options and came up with a plan. We started me on the lowest dose of the original medication I went on years ago with the plan of increasing if needed after a week or two.

At the end of close to two weeks and there still being significant anxiety and even the intrusive thought of, “I’d rather be dead than deal with this.” I increased to the higher dosage. Slowly the medication started working in my system. Slowly things were getting more manageable.

Sadly though, it only took me so far. My doctor and I discussed the possibly of increasing the dose or changing meds and we ultimately decided to change meds. During the next couple weeks there were some ups and downs with the adjustment. I’ve also been back in therapy as well.  My physical revealed that I am very low on Vitamin D which can be a contributing factor to anxiety and depression.

While I made so much progress I also struggled in that I was beating myself up. It never took me this long to get back on track when going back on meds. I had not been so low in such a long time, if ever. I’ve been hard on myself thinking how much of a burden I’ve been to my friends and family. I’ve been analyzing every thought and feeling. Judging or grading my progress. Any time I felt even a little anxious I went into over drive, trying to figure out why and lamenting that I was still having anxiety. After all, I’m on meds, I’m on prescription strength Vitamin D, I’m in therapy, I cut out caffeine and alcohol.

I expressed this to my therapist who told me, “Stop beating yourself up. Focus on the positives. You’re stressing yourself out more and making it worse.” Well… that was a novel idea. To not focus on the struggle and instead focus on the good? Focus on all the hard fought battles I’d won? It definitely helped to shift things.

At this point, I’m still not entirely where I want to be. Sometimes interacting with others takes more energy than I have but I get through. My mind still goes into over drive here and there. But… I’m getting there. Sometimes, it’s a journey and I’m having to finally slow down and accept it for what it is.

Progress Made

It’s a funny place I find myself in, sitting comfortably in my mid-thirties, rid of all the angst of my late teens to mid-twenties. I still recall the emotional turmoil I was in, the loneliness, the anger- so much anger! Despite the ability to recall it all, in vivid detail, it also feels like a lifetime ago. The suffering definitely helped to shape who I am, but that person, that version of myself seems foreign to me now.

I remember… staying up all night, watching tv and chatting over AIM with 5 people at once and writing two pieces at a time. I remember all the pent up rage over my (perceived) inability to live a normal life. I remember the feelings of isolation, desperation, and loneliness that overwhelmed me. I remember having my first full blown panic attack one night around 1am, while watching Vanilla Sky, wondering if I should wake my parents to take me to the hospital or let them sleep and maybe find me dead on the couch in the morning. I let them sleep and hoped and prayed I wasn’t having a heart attack and dying like I thought I was, like I felt I was.

I remember… writing dark and twisted poetry about the fury, the sorrow, and romanticizing suicide. I never truly considered it but it felt like such a tempting escape from the misery I was in.

I think back to all the crazy that I attracted to my life during that time. The drama filled people who seemed to find me like I was a magnet and truth be told, I probably was. It seemed like one friend after another was in crisis. My friendship circle consisted of self-harmers, pill poppers, and the like. It was also filled with people who had been dealt some really shitty hands in life but year after year they continued to be the victim rather than become the heroine of their own life. I remember one often repeating, “I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve all of this.”

I remember… finding solace in the darkness of depression, the depression that anxiety drove me into. Misery does love company and I found my tribe. I remember feeling so liberated being able to share the chaos and storms that were swirling within me. I was no longer alone in my looney tribe of misfits. We were all wounded in our own ways and suffering but we had each other and that made it less lonely.

I remember… the clouds starting to lift in my life. The poetry dried up and I feared I was losing my creativity. I remember that the down moments came less frequently, the mood swings not as severe. I remember feeling at odds with myself because I didn’t recognize myself anymore without turmoil. Sometimes, even now, a little part of me misses it. For the creativity that is. There is something about angst and writing that go hand in hand, at least in my twisted mind.

Yet, I wouldn’t go back to it. I like being in a happy place now. That’s not to say my life is perfect but I am more appreciative now. I understand my anxiety better and have a better handle on it. I’m thankful for my struggles because there are somethings one cannot fully understand without experiencing them, mental health issues being one of them. Yes, I remember my battle and I’m grateful for it but I am so content to be exactly where I am right now. 100_0291_2.jpg

First Step…

They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that it exists. Well, I’ve long admitted that I have issues; with anxiety, stress, social anxiety, trust, insecurity, abandonment, need for control, need to fix everything, take care of everyone, etc. Ok in all fairness most of the issues stem from anxiety/social anxiety. I’ve known that ALL people could benefit from therapy while actively avoiding going to therapy. I did try it once, but it was the wrong fit and quite disastrous. Also, being (mostly) self aware I knew a lot of the things I need to change/work on/address so… How would discussing it with a stranger help me, really?

shutterstock_139247051.jpgStill… As the anxiety/stress was leaving my shoulders and stomach in knots, as I was reeling from the emotional fallout of some big decisions, and knowing that I deserve better in life I finally sucked it up and sought out therapy. Again.  I called my insurance stuffs, found a recommendation, and made an appointment. Even making an appointment led to my active mind kicking into overdrive. My therapist treats people in his office or at his home. His home was closer and also better parking options not to mention the day that worked best for me happened to be a day he was working out of his home. Enter active mind: I’m meeting a man I do not know, in his home, and I’ll be alone. Is that really safe?  Is that wise? What if he is creepy? What if he is some weirdo? What if, what if, what if? The two biggest words that roll around in my brain. Ok. STOP. BREATHE. 1. If your health insurance/employment is recommending this person he probably checks out. 2. If he is some psychotic, monster he probably wouldn’t have passed whatever screening was necessary to be recommended by reputable companies. 3. Just hush noisy brain. Hush.

For anyone who has never gone to therapy, the first session mainly revolves around paperwork, dotting the i’s, crossing the t’s, establishing what is bringing you in, in a nutshell. The first appointment we didn’t discuss anything huge. Right away I felt at ease with him. He reminds me of my uncle John that passed away. He has a plant growing in his living room, the same kind of plant that my sisters and I gave to our relatives for Christmas one year as kids. I felt comfortable.  I also realized pretty quickly that he was perceptive and picked up on the things I wasn’t saying. While we didn’t cover anything deep or significant, I felt lighter. He gave me some ideas to consider, a few challenges in how I think about things.

At this point I’m about 5 or 6 sessions in. I can definitely see it helping me. I was right, I know a lot of the things I need to work on but it does help having someone neutral to discuss things with. I’m finding that I am getting better at stopping my mind from spiraling out. My aunt says I am calmer, less nervous. The thing I’m finding, I didn’t fully realize how neurotic I was until I started making positive changes. I was explaining one of those realizations lately to my best friend and told her, “I was so crazy before, the thought process that would have been going through my head over something so insignificant, but now, I am ok with making this inconsequential decision and not analyzing it to death or assuming what the other person could be thinking.” She was very  gracious and told me I wasn’t crazy before but that my brain was definitely very busy and that it must have been exhausting. True dat. 

Lost & Looking

Right now I’m feeling a little lost and a lot impatient. I’ve been having flare ups lately- of GERD and anxiety. I wake up incredibly nauseous and then as I start trying to force myself to get up for work I have panic attacks. It’s a lovely combination really. The other night Daney butt was sick which scared me something fierce. I’m ready for school to be done. I’m ready to be self employed. I’m just… ready. Heck I would be tickled to be retired and spend my days volunteering for causes I believe in and spending time with all of those I love.

I need to focus on the here and now. It’s an issue I have struggled with my entire life. I’m always looking at the next thing, whatever that is. My mind is always going, ten steps ahead of where I’m at, spinning out of control and defeating myself, probably from exhaustion if nothing else.

I’m craving change of some kind. I’m needing something new. I’m needing to find some relaxation- the one thing in life I’ve never been good at. Well that and math. I’m a little lost right now but it’s ok, I’m looking to find my way again.

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Photo courtesy of Alessandra, Flickr Creative Commons. Original photo can be found by clicking on pic.

Just a quick note…

I have found a natural deodorant that I LOVE! I keep hearing how traditional deodorant/antiperspirants have aluminum and other chemicals that are being linked to breast cancer. In the past I tried Tom’s of Maine but found I was less than pleased with it. While it prevented BO it left it’s own unique (and not entirely pleasant) scent. Disappointed I went back to good ole Secret.

Thanks to a recommendation I have tried Crystal Body Deodorant Stick. It is awesome! It’s main ingredient is natural mineral salts. The only odd thing is you have to apply right out of the shower while you’re still wet. It kills the bacteria that would make you stink when you sweat. It’s inexpensive and effective. Just thought I would share in case anyone else out there is looking for a natural deodorant option (that actually works).

crystal-stickClick here to visit website for product.

The Dreaded Prep

I really should be doing reading for school right now, or homework for school, or something productive like cleaning my house. Instead I am sitting in front of my computer, feeling drawn in, this need inside of me.

Part of it is the need to communicate. I have Messages open on my computer and keep bouncing over to Facebook. Part of this distraction is my need to write, what exactly I am not certain but, we shall see what develops here…

I realized that today, I am living one of my greatest nightmares. When I started observing that I had GI issues way back when I didn’t want to deal with them because I knew that all roads led to a colonoscopy. I knew that one day, say at the age of 50, I’d have to get a colonoscopy. However, I always hoped that it could wait until that point.

The dreaded prep for the procedure has sounded terrifyingly uncomfortable. The procedure itself, well excuse me world but that right there? It is exit only! So I avoided. I ignored. I lived in denial because I simply didn’t want to deal with it. Occasionally, when I’d be in a lot of pain I would think “Perhaps I should see a doctor about this…” But that thought trailed off leaving me shuddering in fear for the torture that would be bestowed upon me.

Today, as I drank a lovely Gatorade/Miralax cocktail it hit me that I am living one of my worst nightmares and ya know what? It isn’t so scary. By this time tomorrow evening I plan on being stuffed to the gills with every delicious food I can think of. I am mad at myself for losing sleep the last few nights, worried about what this day and the next would be like.

I am proud of myself that I was able to calm myself last night and get some sleep. I sort of removed myself, mentally, from my body. I took a step back. I told myself that no amount of worry would change a thing. The only thing it was doing was leaving me sleepless and tense. I needed to appreciate the comfort of my bed, get a good night’s sleep, and let the next day take care of itself. After some deep breathing I put on a movie I’ve seen a hundred times at least, and before I knew it, I was out.

Tonight, on this rainy, sticky eve I wish everyone the best. I wish people courage to face their fears, peace to keep them calm, and a good night’s rest.