Progress Made

It’s a funny place I find myself in, sitting comfortably in my mid-thirties, rid of all the angst of my late teens to mid-twenties. I still recall the emotional turmoil I was in, the loneliness, the anger- so much anger! Despite the ability to recall it all, in vivid detail, it also feels like a lifetime ago. The suffering definitely helped to shape who I am, but that person, that version of myself seems foreign to me now.

I remember… staying up all night, watching tv and chatting over AIM with 5 people at once and writing two pieces at a time. I remember all the pent up rage over my (perceived) inability to live a normal life. I remember the feelings of isolation, desperation, and loneliness that overwhelmed me. I remember having my first full blown panic attack one night around 1am, while watching Vanilla Sky, wondering if I should wake my parents to take me to the hospital or let them sleep and maybe find me dead on the couch in the morning. I let them sleep and hoped and prayed I wasn’t having a heart attack and dying like I thought I was, like I felt I was.

I remember… writing dark and twisted poetry about the fury, the sorrow, and romanticizing suicide. I never truly considered it but it felt like such a tempting escape from the misery I was in.

I think back to all the crazy that I attracted to my life during that time. The drama filled people who seemed to find me like I was a magnet and truth be told, I probably was. It seemed like one friend after another was in crisis. My friendship circle consisted of self-harmers, pill poppers, and the like. It was also filled with people who had been dealt some really shitty hands in life but year after year they continued to be the victim rather than become the heroine of their own life. I remember one often repeating, “I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve all of this.”

I remember… finding solace in the darkness of depression, the depression that anxiety drove me into. Misery does love company and I found my tribe. I remember feeling so liberated being able to share the chaos and storms that were swirling within me. I was no longer alone in my looney tribe of misfits. We were all wounded in our own ways and suffering but we had each other and that made it less lonely.

I remember… the clouds starting to lift in my life. The poetry dried up and I feared I was losing my creativity. I remember that the down moments came less frequently, the mood swings not as severe. I remember feeling at odds with myself because I didn’t recognize myself anymore without turmoil. Sometimes, even now, a little part of me misses it. For the creativity that is. There is something about angst and writing that go hand in hand, at least in my twisted mind.

Yet, I wouldn’t go back to it. I like being in a happy place now. That’s not to say my life is perfect but I am more appreciative now. I understand my anxiety better and have a better handle on it. I’m thankful for my struggles because there are somethings one cannot fully understand without experiencing them, mental health issues being one of them. Yes, I remember my battle and I’m grateful for it but I am so content to be exactly where I am right now. 100_0291_2.jpg

First Step…

They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that it exists. Well, I’ve long admitted that I have issues; with anxiety, stress, social anxiety, trust, insecurity, abandonment, need for control, need to fix everything, take care of everyone, etc. Ok in all fairness most of the issues stem from anxiety/social anxiety. I’ve known that ALL people could benefit from therapy while actively avoiding going to therapy. I did try it once, but it was the wrong fit and quite disastrous. Also, being (mostly) self aware I knew a lot of the things I need to change/work on/address so… How would discussing it with a stranger help me, really?

shutterstock_139247051.jpgStill… As the anxiety/stress was leaving my shoulders and stomach in knots, as I was reeling from the emotional fallout of some big decisions, and knowing that I deserve better in life I finally sucked it up and sought out therapy. Again.  I called my insurance stuffs, found a recommendation, and made an appointment. Even making an appointment led to my active mind kicking into overdrive. My therapist treats people in his office or at his home. His home was closer and also better parking options not to mention the day that worked best for me happened to be a day he was working out of his home. Enter active mind: I’m meeting a man I do not know, in his home, and I’ll be alone. Is that really safe?  Is that wise? What if he is creepy? What if he is some weirdo? What if, what if, what if? The two biggest words that roll around in my brain. Ok. STOP. BREATHE. 1. If your health insurance/employment is recommending this person he probably checks out. 2. If he is some psychotic, monster he probably wouldn’t have passed whatever screening was necessary to be recommended by reputable companies. 3. Just hush noisy brain. Hush.

For anyone who has never gone to therapy, the first session mainly revolves around paperwork, dotting the i’s, crossing the t’s, establishing what is bringing you in, in a nutshell. The first appointment we didn’t discuss anything huge. Right away I felt at ease with him. He reminds me of my uncle John that passed away. He has a plant growing in his living room, the same kind of plant that my sisters and I gave to our relatives for Christmas one year as kids. I felt comfortable.  I also realized pretty quickly that he was perceptive and picked up on the things I wasn’t saying. While we didn’t cover anything deep or significant, I felt lighter. He gave me some ideas to consider, a few challenges in how I think about things.

At this point I’m about 5 or 6 sessions in. I can definitely see it helping me. I was right, I know a lot of the things I need to work on but it does help having someone neutral to discuss things with. I’m finding that I am getting better at stopping my mind from spiraling out. My aunt says I am calmer, less nervous. The thing I’m finding, I didn’t fully realize how neurotic I was until I started making positive changes. I was explaining one of those realizations lately to my best friend and told her, “I was so crazy before, the thought process that would have been going through my head over something so insignificant, but now, I am ok with making this inconsequential decision and not analyzing it to death or assuming what the other person could be thinking.” She was very  gracious and told me I wasn’t crazy before but that my brain was definitely very busy and that it must have been exhausting. True dat. 

Lost & Looking

Right now I’m feeling a little lost and a lot impatient. I’ve been having flare ups lately- of GERD and anxiety. I wake up incredibly nauseous and then as I start trying to force myself to get up for work I have panic attacks. It’s a lovely combination really. The other night Daney butt was sick which scared me something fierce. I’m ready for school to be done. I’m ready to be self employed. I’m just… ready. Heck I would be tickled to be retired and spend my days volunteering for causes I believe in and spending time with all of those I love.

I need to focus on the here and now. It’s an issue I have struggled with my entire life. I’m always looking at the next thing, whatever that is. My mind is always going, ten steps ahead of where I’m at, spinning out of control and defeating myself, probably from exhaustion if nothing else.

I’m craving change of some kind. I’m needing something new. I’m needing to find some relaxation- the one thing in life I’ve never been good at. Well that and math. I’m a little lost right now but it’s ok, I’m looking to find my way again.

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Photo courtesy of Alessandra, Flickr Creative Commons. Original photo can be found by clicking on pic.

Just a quick note…

I have found a natural deodorant that I LOVE! I keep hearing how traditional deodorant/antiperspirants have aluminum and other chemicals that are being linked to breast cancer. In the past I tried Tom’s of Maine but found I was less than pleased with it. While it prevented BO it left it’s own unique (and not entirely pleasant) scent. Disappointed I went back to good ole Secret.

Thanks to a recommendation I have tried Crystal Body Deodorant Stick. It is awesome! It’s main ingredient is natural mineral salts. The only odd thing is you have to apply right out of the shower while you’re still wet. It kills the bacteria that would make you stink when you sweat. It’s inexpensive and effective. Just thought I would share in case anyone else out there is looking for a natural deodorant option (that actually works).

crystal-stickClick here to visit website for product.

The Dreaded Prep

I really should be doing reading for school right now, or homework for school, or something productive like cleaning my house. Instead I am sitting in front of my computer, feeling drawn in, this need inside of me.

Part of it is the need to communicate. I have Messages open on my computer and keep bouncing over to Facebook. Part of this distraction is my need to write, what exactly I am not certain but, we shall see what develops here…

I realized that today, I am living one of my greatest nightmares. When I started observing that I had GI issues way back when I didn’t want to deal with them because I knew that all roads led to a colonoscopy. I knew that one day, say at the age of 50, I’d have to get a colonoscopy. However, I always hoped that it could wait until that point.

The dreaded prep for the procedure has sounded terrifyingly uncomfortable. The procedure itself, well excuse me world but that right there? It is exit only! So I avoided. I ignored. I lived in denial because I simply didn’t want to deal with it. Occasionally, when I’d be in a lot of pain I would think “Perhaps I should see a doctor about this…” But that thought trailed off leaving me shuddering in fear for the torture that would be bestowed upon me.

Today, as I drank a lovely Gatorade/Miralax cocktail it hit me that I am living one of my worst nightmares and ya know what? It isn’t so scary. By this time tomorrow evening I plan on being stuffed to the gills with every delicious food I can think of. I am mad at myself for losing sleep the last few nights, worried about what this day and the next would be like.

I am proud of myself that I was able to calm myself last night and get some sleep. I sort of removed myself, mentally, from my body. I took a step back. I told myself that no amount of worry would change a thing. The only thing it was doing was leaving me sleepless and tense. I needed to appreciate the comfort of my bed, get a good night’s sleep, and let the next day take care of itself. After some deep breathing I put on a movie I’ve seen a hundred times at least, and before I knew it, I was out.

Tonight, on this rainy, sticky eve I wish everyone the best. I wish people courage to face their fears, peace to keep them calm, and a good night’s rest.

Back to School Take 2

So I am back in school, it is official. I have completed one week of class already. While the new week started yesterday I have not done much about it other than map out what is due and when. I figure that is a good enough start.

I cannot believe that it is already September. I am trying to soak up every ounce of good weather that we have left. I have been walking my dogs like crazy! I’ve been riding my bike, though not in a few days now. I’ve cut lawn but it is about time to do that again. I sit on my patio sometimes while reading things for school. I will make the most of this weather while it is here.

The increase in my physical activity and tracking my food is starting to pay off. I have lost about three pounds and I have been told that I look like I am losing weight. That is always a great feeling to know my hard work is paying off a bit.

This week I see two doctors in the quest of fixing me. That is about it for me and my life at the moment. I’m happy, busy, and at peace.

Eff Body Image

Body image. Thigh gap. Thinspiration. Websites devoted to worshipping Ana (anorexia). Get thin fast; remedies/pills/exercises/etc. Every single day we are assaulted with unrealistic ideals of what a woman should look like and what she can do to get there. It is crap. Men are quickly catching up too. It used to be they were kind of left out of the whole body image, mind game assault but nowadays there is pressure on them as well. 

I am done with it. I will no longer participate. Which means I will have to fight, every day, to not judge others for their bodies and even more difficult, to not judge myself or compare myself to anyone else (unless done in a positive way). 

If I were to look at my BMI, a number that is the holy grail of healthiness and sometimes referred to as insanely flawed, I fall into the “overweight” category. Sometimes this would make me feel bad. Sometimes it doesn’t. Now, my focus is shifting to how I feel. 

Here is my reality: for the sake of better health and wellness, I need to eat better and move more. Whatever size that leaves me at, whatever weight, I’m going to do my best to not be stressed by it. Whether I am fuller (as I am now) or thinner, it is essential that I love my body just the way it is. 

The older I get (and I am aware that I am not “old”) I am becoming, sometimes slowly, more comfortable in my own skin. Thanks to shows like “Girls” or “The Mindy Project”, that star women with fuller figures, it is challenging the status quo. Now I am not saying we all need to pile on the pounds but we need to accept what is natural and real. We need to quit buying into the disgustingly over photoshopped images on magazines. We need to focus on health, wellness, and joy. Eff body image.