I have (for the millionth time over) decided to give up on dating. I am so done. After my recent attempt at online dating I am burnt out. I swear, sometimes I am a loser magnet! Let’s recount the last several guys I’ve gotten to know… I shall not name names, in order to protect their identities and because nicknames are way more fun.
The first guy to contact me I have dubbed The Racist. One Sunday afternoon I receive a rather complimentary message from a gentleman. I wasn’t attracted to him based on his picture but I clicked on his profile, read what he had to say and messaged him back.
As we are chatting he mentions that he is a ‘legal marijuana grower,” and he was quite concerned that would scare me away. He stressed several times over that he was totally legal. The conversation was starting to bore me. You said you’re legal, let’s move on. I told him I didn’t care what a person does for a living assuming it is an honest living. The things I judge a person for would be multiple children with multiple women or being a racist. To my surprise he responded with, “Well, I guess this means it won’t work for you and I. I’m a racist.”
I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not so I attempted to question him. After all, sarcasm can get lost in translation through text. He told me he didn’t like “gehtto black or gehtto white.” Well, I don’t care for someone who can’t spell ‘ghetto’ correctly. I asked him if he actually had a problem with race or if it was behaviors that he took issue with. (To be honest the moment he said he was a racist I was done but my curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask him more questions.) He stated “I am from the south,” which I took to mean he didn’t want to admit to the ugliness inside him but that he really was a racist. I quickly bid him adieu.
I received several messages from guys in their very early 20’s which is a bit too young for my taste. I had a man ask if he could be my slave. I swear there was nothing in my profile to solicit such an offer. I had another man message me asking what I was looking for, turns out he wanted ‘casual sex’ which is NOT something listed in my profile.
Finally I handed my phone to one of my closest friends and let her look at guys for me. She picked about four different men, all of whom I was ordered to contact. I looked through her choices and messaged all but one. This led me to “Failure to Launch.” I dubbed him that because he reminds me of the movie by that title, staring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey.
FTL and I chatted for a week before going out on a date. Now there were some red flags up front. He worked at a doggy-daycare center. I knew that most likely that meant he was broke. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me I just want an equal partner. He still lives at home with his parents but in this day and age, that’s not something to judge a person by.
During our week of communication he had said a few things that gave me pause. One instance was when he pointed out to me what a caring guy he is. To me, if you have to tell someone your good qualities it means you’re probably lacking in said qualities… He also told me in the past three years he had been on a total of four dates. None of them went well because he said the women wanted sex on the first date and that is not his style.
Saturday night rolls around and I get to the agreed upon location promptly at 8pm. At five after, I text asking if he was there, despite the fact I didn’t see him. He responded with “almost, five more minutes.” While mildly annoying, shit happens.He arrives and as we head to our table, he says something about his mother having driven him to our date. In my head I am thinking, “I’m sorry, what?” I’m sure the look on my face was disgust as I asked him, “Does this mean I have to drive you home?” He assured me that was not the case, he would text his mother when it was time to get picked up. I felt I had gone back in time twenty years, meeting a boy at the roller rink. What self respecting male lets their mommy drive them to a date at the age of 34?
As the date continues (only because I didn’t have the balls to tell him have his mom come right back and get him), he tells me about helping to support his sister that goes to college out of state. He walks to work, unless he takes too much stuff, then his mother drives him. When it was time for the bill I had the waitress split it, paid my portion, and left. As if he didn’t have enough strikes against him, in person, he eerily resembled my uncle.
I was just about to delete my profile when a new guy messaged me and he used complete words and sentences! It was such an exciting prospect I thought I’d give him a chance. We messaged for a few days but there were too many red flags. I had to cut him loose. If I had to pick a nickname for him, I’d say, “The Asshole.” He was estranged from his entire family. He told me his dad died but he didn’t care, he was a terrible person and they hadn’t talked in years. His mother was alive but she was a terrible person and he didn’t talk to her. He had two sisters, one was a psycho and the other owed him a ton of money. He had broken up with his baby mama 6 months ago, and she was psycho. Granted, all of those people could be terrible, horrible, awful people but… If everyone in your life is an asshole… Well… Maybe it’s not them, maybe its you? After he confessed that he spoils the shit out of his daughter and she will be hell when she is a teenager, I couldn’t take anymore. Bonus? He offered to accompany me to a doctor’s appointment for our first date… How romantic!
I have since deleted my profile and decided that as naive as it may be, I want to meet someone organically. At this point I just need to focus on creating the best life I can. Focus on school and health and spending my time with the ones I love. I don’t have the energy for anymore weirdos from online dating right now. Being single is definitely underrated.
(image courtesy of flickr)