Mutt Update

It’s been quite some time since I have sat down and written about my mutts, aka ‘The Boys.’ I’ve been a little focused on other thingsIMG_0059: family stuff, dating stuff, house stuff, health stuff, school stuff, life stuff. Basically a lot of stuff. Despite my silence regarding the mutts, they are doing incredibly well, for the most part anyway.

Dane is my amazing, well behaved, little old man. We walk through the neighborhood without a leash and he barely wanders a few feet from me. I don’t even have to say, “Wait,’ to get him to stop. If I stop, he stops. He is my bud and we are so in-tune it is unbelievable. I’ve never had a bond like this with any other dog. He knows if I’m not feeling well and refuses to leave my side. He picks up on my moods, if I’m mad at someone, so is he. It’s been that way since day one. Recently he gave me quite the scare and knowing that the day is coming that we will have to part makes me appreciate the time we have left even more.

Frankie… Oh little Frank… What is there to be said about him? Dane has oft been refereed to as “royalty” or “the king” because of how he carries himself. When Frankie came along he was quickly dubbed “the court jester.” As Frankie dances around, prances, hops, bops, and flies through the house, Dane looks at him like he is worlds beneath him. Frankie is a happy-go-lucky, tail always wagging, silly boy. He is also incredibly stubborn, very ornery, and sometimes I suspect: untrainable. If he is curled up oh-so-comfortably and someone goes to move him? LOOK OUT. He’s like a cobra ready to strike. The noises he makes, well, I’ve never heard them come from a dog before. When he is angry I am certain all of his bones dissolve into cartilage for the way he twirls, twists, bucks, and lunges. For a five pound, toothless dog it sadly takes two to three adults to cut his nails. The last time around it took four adults, with people trading ouIMG_0061t after Frank left them bleeding. Psycho dog.

Milo… Oh the Milo Monster. When I first brought him into my home he was so quiet. He was very mellow, slinking around, ears down, rather skittish. He had some experiences in his past that were clearly short of loving. One of the reasons he was given up, if I recall, was his energy level. The first few days in my home he was so sedate that I questioned the sanity of the people who gave him up. High energy? Seriously? Then he got comfortable and there’s been no looking back. He is playful and silly, hyper as all get out, and very sweet. About the only person in the world he doesn’t like is the mailman.

The three of them have worked out a mutual existence. If one of them is not feeling well the other two are sensitive to that. The rest of the time? They are pretty great minus resource guarding their food. They all sleep in the bed with me, each in their own little area, Milo and Frank pressed against either side of me, Dane off on his own, burrowed in his blanket. Sometimes these mutts of mine drive me insane but I could not imagine my life without them.

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A Few Good Quotes

I have been reading through my book of quotes lately and felt inspired to share.

Some people settle down, some people settle, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

Carrie Bradshaw- Sex and the City

Some women aren’t meant to be tamed, but to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.

Carrie Bradshaw-Sex and the City

Life and death, energy and peace. If I stopped today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made, and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was still worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I have walked. Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above.

Gia

Your calling isn’t something that somebody can tell you about. It’s what you feel. It is the thing that gives you juice. The thing that you are supposed to do. And nobody can tell you what that is. You know it inside yourself.

Oprah

I question establishments and dogmas, not God. One must choose their path and faith. Even if they choose to change their mind later. Evolve.

Kody Brown

The very purpose of spirituality is self-discipline. Rather than criticizing others, we should evaluate and criticize ourselves.

Dalai Lama

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this —
One of you is lying

Dorothy Parker

Follow Your Gut

I remember, when I was a little kid, feeling like I had some sort of magical, untapped, limitless power inside of me. I would lay in bed at night allowing my imagination to run wild. I would create these perfect fantasy worlds in my head and I felt unstoppable.

I knew that there were limits in life. For example, I desperately wanted a horse but living in the suburbs that was not feasible. As my dad pointed out there were laws indicating how much land you needed to have and we did not meet the requirements. As I type this now, I wonder if that was true or just something he said to shut me up…

In my fantasy world, all the neighbors on my block would cease to exist. I wished them no ill will, they simply disappeared. Our entire street was vacant expect for my family, so all the “yards,” were now ours and we had plenty of room for horses. Of course, in my perfect fantasy world I only considered the parts of having a horse that appealed to me: Their beauty, riding them, interacting with them. There was never a point that I dwelled on their care, mucking out stalls, etc. That is the perk of fantasy.

My entire childhood and perhaps to some degree even into high school, I dreamed big. Nothing was out of reach, nothing was off limits. I could have whatever I wanted, I could do or be whatever I wanted. My dad always told me, “You can have anything you want in life, all you have to do is earn it.” Somehow though, I lost that. I let life get me down or convince me that I needed to be practical. While there were still beautiful stories in my head; picking up and moving to some distant city, or becoming a famous writer by the age of 22, or being filthy rich, or who knows, I abandoned them.

I started making safer choices. I’ve always wanted to write, since I was a little kid. I would write silly short stories to pass the time. I would tell intricately woven stories with my Barbies, or playing house or any of those things kids don’t seem to do nowadays. When I started college, however, I opted to pursue a degree in Human Resource Management. The classes bored me to death but they were safe. I was already a manager in a fast-food chain. They had a franchise office. I could get a business degree and that would guarantee a good job. I was also considering being a teacher but I wanted to teach Spanish and I was afraid I would always sound like a gringa speaking it which wouldn’t be helpful to students. I was scared. So I took business classes. (I don’t think I’ve ever admitted to anyone before why I didn’t pursue being a Spanish teacher).

I have bounced around in the years since high school, carving out little niches for myself. I’ve gathered up myriad experiences that have helped to shape who I am today. I’ve tried on lots of different roles, and pursued my varied interests. As a kid I always imagined myself being a waitress- I loved the interactions they had with their tables and I can say I’ve done that. In fact, sometimes I even miss it. I wanted to be a hair stylist but that also seemed scary to me as I felt like an unkempt mess. I overcame that fear and I did it and loved it. I’ve been a manager, I’ve been an employee, I currently get to teach in the job that I have now.

So where does that leave me? I am realizing never stop dreaming big. Never silence your inner truth. I am back in college and getting a degree in English. That scared the shit out of me for years, I couldn’t see a “practical’ way to apply that. It doesn’t matter though. I need to do it. (ok and now I have figured out “practical” way to apply it).I am reconnecting with myself, my passions, my soul. I’m learning to quit silencing what doesn’t make sense and listen to my gut. All in all, I would say I am in a damn good place.

The Dreaded Prep

I really should be doing reading for school right now, or homework for school, or something productive like cleaning my house. Instead I am sitting in front of my computer, feeling drawn in, this need inside of me.

Part of it is the need to communicate. I have Messages open on my computer and keep bouncing over to Facebook. Part of this distraction is my need to write, what exactly I am not certain but, we shall see what develops here…

I realized that today, I am living one of my greatest nightmares. When I started observing that I had GI issues way back when I didn’t want to deal with them because I knew that all roads led to a colonoscopy. I knew that one day, say at the age of 50, I’d have to get a colonoscopy. However, I always hoped that it could wait until that point.

The dreaded prep for the procedure has sounded terrifyingly uncomfortable. The procedure itself, well excuse me world but that right there? It is exit only! So I avoided. I ignored. I lived in denial because I simply didn’t want to deal with it. Occasionally, when I’d be in a lot of pain I would think “Perhaps I should see a doctor about this…” But that thought trailed off leaving me shuddering in fear for the torture that would be bestowed upon me.

Today, as I drank a lovely Gatorade/Miralax cocktail it hit me that I am living one of my worst nightmares and ya know what? It isn’t so scary. By this time tomorrow evening I plan on being stuffed to the gills with every delicious food I can think of. I am mad at myself for losing sleep the last few nights, worried about what this day and the next would be like.

I am proud of myself that I was able to calm myself last night and get some sleep. I sort of removed myself, mentally, from my body. I took a step back. I told myself that no amount of worry would change a thing. The only thing it was doing was leaving me sleepless and tense. I needed to appreciate the comfort of my bed, get a good night’s sleep, and let the next day take care of itself. After some deep breathing I put on a movie I’ve seen a hundred times at least, and before I knew it, I was out.

Tonight, on this rainy, sticky eve I wish everyone the best. I wish people courage to face their fears, peace to keep them calm, and a good night’s rest.

Great and Terrible

I am simultaneously great and terrible. Life is progressing, school is coming along, and on my quest for health, I am closer to having answers.

Sadly the answers are not fast enough as I sit here in pain. Thursday I went to see the “female” doctor and the GI doc. I have a test set up for next week. However, Friday, I awoke feeling miserable, my stomach churning and in pain, and to top it off I was quite anxious. The anxiety grew into a full blown panic attack. I got up, popped a xanax and used some oils for calming. I was awake much earlier than I needed to be for work and my plan was to take control of how I was feeling, I had no intention of missing work.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I was still incredibly anxious and my stomach was hurting/nauseous something fierce. (Avoiding more details as I think you get the picture). I called in and went right back to bed. Hours later I awoke feeling a bit better. Still queasy but food seemed like it could work out. I ate a little, then worked on school work, while playing some episodes of Once Upon A Time in the background. Gotta love Netflix.

By three in the afternoon I was thoroughly exhausted, drained from feeling so poorly and the panic attack I guess. I laid back down in my bed and dozed on and off until maybe 8pm? I got up, worked on more school work and then decided to call it a night as I had to work at 9am today.

I couldn’t sleep. Not because I had slept all day, I was still tired. I was in pain. So. Much. Pain. Heartburn that I think burned a hole through something, pain in my right side and along the bottom of my ribcage, the stabbing pain in my left side was back. I got up and popped several drugs, tried repositioning many times over, anything for some relief.

Hours later some relief finally came and I dozed off only to be awoken at 6am by more pain. I popped more drugs and went back to bed until 7:30am when I had to get up for work. I was still miserable and called off, feeling horrible for leaving them shorthanded.

Eventually I fell back asleep and then got up around noon. I had some tea and then some yogurt. I binge watched Girls to the point I am now caught up. Then I switched to Sex and the City episodes from the first season. I pondered life a bit and felt good that I am closer to figuring out what the heck is causing me so much pain and discomfort. I decided to be happy that the lack of appetite will probably spur some weight-loss, which is needed to be at a healthier weight. (Belly fat = increased risk of lots of nasty things) I am also putting way more effort into school than I ever have before, which is a great feeling. I know I am on the right track to claim the life I have always dreamed off.

As I sat today, with a dull ache in my side, watching some of my favorite shows, hearing the sounds of my neighbors enjoying this beautiful, if not slightly cool day- I realized, despite the current annoyances, I’m happy.

Back to School Take 2

So I am back in school, it is official. I have completed one week of class already. While the new week started yesterday I have not done much about it other than map out what is due and when. I figure that is a good enough start.

I cannot believe that it is already September. I am trying to soak up every ounce of good weather that we have left. I have been walking my dogs like crazy! I’ve been riding my bike, though not in a few days now. I’ve cut lawn but it is about time to do that again. I sit on my patio sometimes while reading things for school. I will make the most of this weather while it is here.

The increase in my physical activity and tracking my food is starting to pay off. I have lost about three pounds and I have been told that I look like I am losing weight. That is always a great feeling to know my hard work is paying off a bit.

This week I see two doctors in the quest of fixing me. That is about it for me and my life at the moment. I’m happy, busy, and at peace.