Outrunning/Avoiding

Lately I have been outrunning, dancing around, and trying to avoid a little funk that has been threatening me. I am only two steps ahead at best but trying my damnedest to not let it catch me. It’s hard. It’s hard when maybe my heart is still hurting a bit, it’s hard when I haven’t been feeling well. It’s just hard…

If I sit down and get really honest with myself, right now,- as in this past week- I am still stinging from the disappointment of things falling apart. I was over it and now, it’s a lingering, floating pain. Probably need to just cut out the source…

If I am really honest, I’ve not felt, “good,” my entire adult life. I’ve felt varying levels of bad. So for me, if I said, “I’m not feeing well,” it means that I reached a level of bad that I can’t deal with, that is too far out of my comfort range.

Why? Why is a good question indeed.

When my anxiety issues really started to kick in during my early to mid twenties part of the affect it had on me was a general feeling of malaise. There were stomach aches so severe, nausea, etc. Once I got on meds for my anxiety that stuff pretty much went away. Pretty much but not entirely. I didn’t really register the discomfort like I did before, it was so much less that it seemed almost normal. I was comfortable with mild discomfort.

I chalked it up to anxiety and probably side effects from meds. I didn’t really ponder it too much. I also knew that “sensitive stomachs,” run in my family. So I didn’t really freak out over somewhat regular (think monthly) stomach issues. It was just par for the course as far I was concerned. It’s been getting worse over the past couple years and especially this past six months.

Tuesday I finally got tired of it all. Not feeling well, throwing up my breakfast on a somewhat regular basis, just feeling shitty all of the time. I went to the doctor’s office even though I felt dumb and gross for going, for telling him what has been going on. I felt embarrassed when the nurse asked “how long has this been going on?” and my answer was, “most of my adult life.” She asked if I had ever seen a doctor for it before. “Nope.” I was sure she was silently judging me for being a moron. Maybe I was just judging myself. Who knows? Can’t make progress unless you’re willing to risk embarrassment.

The doctor, of course, prescribed more medication for me. However, it is an ‘as needed’ sort of deal, anti-nausea and anti-cramping. It is a godsend and completely bewildering. It is so odd to me, to not feel nauseous. It is so pleasant to eat a meal and not feel horrible. Why didn’t I do this a long time ago? Why did I accept feeling crappy? Because sometimes we accept what we are accustomed to. Of course, I am researching some essential oils to help alleviate my issues rather than using a pill if I can. But I had to go see a doctor, we’ve got a test or two set up, just to rule out bigger issues. Assuming all is clear, I’m going to try and manage my symptoms in a more natural method.

As for the lingering hurt… Well, again, it means I cared. I was open and I was ready. Not everything works out. That is what I need to focus on. I need to silence the girl brain that is questioning what was said, or making excuses for him, weaving a story in my hopeless romantic heart as to why… No matter how I may want to concoct this lovely, fictitious story of things working out in the end, I need to let go and move on.

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