The past few weeks I have had several dreams of my friend T, the one who vanished on me a year and a half ago. In these dreams I miss her so much it hurts. There is an ache inside of me when, in these dreams, I run into her in the oddest of places. Stores, salons, homes of friends, relatives, or strangers.
The location changes, the people tied to me running into her changes. However, the initial confrontation is nearly always the same. I can feel anger, perhaps even hatred, radiating off of her. Somehow we are forced together, forced to interact. I am nervous. Here is this person, this friend that I loved for so long. She truly helped to change my life. It’s painful, seeing the disdain in her eyes as she looks at me. By some miracle, as we are forced together, cautiously, oh so slowly, things begin to shift. The anger starts to dissipate, my nervousness is melting too.
Somehow, we find our way back to being friends.
In daylight, I know that this is far fetched. Knowing that back when our friendship ended I did call and text for several weeks without a single response. Her departure was devastating but soon eclipsed by the loss of Aunt Mickey and Gram. I think in some ways, my grief over the demise of our friendship was swallowed up wholly and ignored. I can only imagine that is why it still haunts me…
Back to present day and the stupid thing I did. Friday I had an inspired idea that I would reach out to her. With all the time that had passed maybe it was time to rekindle our friendship. I was nervous as I called and after a few rings I was sure she wasn’t going to answer but then I realize, she did answer.
“Hello,” she said neutrally.
“Hey, T, it’s Kelly.” I was excited like a little kid, maybe the dreams were prophetic.
“You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I wanted to see how you are doing.”
“I’m fine.” Click. She hung up.
I was not entirely shocked. I was a bit crestfallen. I was also aware. It was time to let go. Totally. Completely.
The only people who will be in our lives are the ones who choose to be. She has chosen. She doesn’t want to be in mine. It’s painful and it sucks. To be clear, I am not putting all the blame on her. I’m sure she has her reasons, just none that she ever shared with me. So I cannot illustrate wrong doing on my part, not because I am blameless but because I am not aware.
I kicked myself for having called. I could have left it alone. I’m not that person though. If I feel, in my gut, that I need to do something; I do it. Did it bring up fresh hurt? Yes. Did it solidify where things are in my life? Yes. Is it time to move forward in that area of my life and not look back? Abso-fucking-lutely.