Missing Connection

The other day I was thinking to myself how there is this void in my life. Part of the gap that T left to be filled was a friend (or friends) with whom I can chat for hours with on spiritual ideas. Anything from the sort of vibes or energy someone puts out to astrology or numerology or looking for signs in our lives 

I have an amazing amazing group of friends. They are wonderful and intelligent, we chat for hours dissecting life and love and relationships (romantic, familial, work relationships, etc). The thing that we don’t tend to discuss as much is spirituality. Energy. The more mysterious side of life. Mostly I would say this falls on me. I’ve not sought out those conversations. I do have some friends that are more in tune to this sort of thinking and discussing but I don’t seek that out. I haven’t in a while. I need to. My soul needs it.

Last night a dear friend of mine came over to visit. We met six years ago and after a few work related transfers and busy lives we fell off. There was no animosity, we simply drifted. In the ensuing years she has found yoga, meditation, energy work, a deeper understanding of self. She has changed so much, cutting out negative habits and working to find inner peace. She is amazing. 

When she came over it was like no time had passed and so much time. She is so changed and yet still the same. We chatted for hours about our experiences, our suffering, our joys, our successes. We talked about life. It was refreshing and wonderful. It made my soul feel good. 

After she left, I felt stronger and happier. I realized that I need to seek out more spiritual connections in my life and focus on some inner work as well. My support system is strong, I just need to rely on them, open myself up, and share.

The Flyer Part 2: Conclusion

It’s been a few weeks so I think it is time to address what happened with “The Flyer.” If you are not sure what I am talking about you can read the first entry here.

I was struggling for a little bit as to what to do about A. We had an amazing connection, instant chemistry. The communication had been going well during the week he was gone. We were both pretty open with each other about life, likes, dislikes, etc. For the first time in a LONG time I had been very excited about a guy, felt there was some potential. 

The fact that it crashed and burned so hard when we hung out in person, albeit with my sisters and their boyfriends was disappointing. I literally hurt inside, thinking about it all coming to a close. There were, however, a few red flags…

First, when he got to the bar to meet up with us, he was very pushy. He was insistent on going to play pool, goading my sisters’ boyfriends into a game, or rather attempting to. Neither of them would budge on the fact they were not playing pool. Despite everyone at the table saying no, he still went over to secure a pool table. Luckily, they were all taken or things really could have gotten awkward.

Second, while I was in the restroom he decided to confront my sister, the roomie, about not being comfortable to go pick him up because she didn’t know him at all. He decided they needed to get to know each other so he spills all kinds of personal, intimate details about his life. She, in turn, asked a follow up question that really pissed him off (which I had to hear about later that night). 

Third, while the plan had been for my sisters to leave and A would drive me home, they decided to pull the protective sibling bit and not leave. When I tried to tell him, as delicately as possible (but according to my friends I guess I wasn’t so delicate), that they were going to stay and drive me home, he got visibly agitated. 

Fourth, once he learned that my sisters were sticking around he pretty much cashed out on the spot and grabbed his coat in a bit of a huff to leave. I walked him out so that I could have at least two minutes alone with him. Plus, I really wanted a kiss, despite the awful evening. When we were walking to the car he said to me, “You’re kind of an asshole, you know that?” I was stunned. I couldn’t have possibly heard him correctly. I questioned him, if what I thought I heard was actually what he said. It was. He then proceeded to explain why he felt that way and while the name calling is NOT cool, his feelings that he expressed after were totally valid. 

He was upset that after driving to see me (and he doesn’t like to drive) we didn’t even get to spend any time alone together. It was our first time really hanging out and it was not exactly what either of us had bargained for. My sisters were not exactly nice with some of the things they said to him, which I agree with. I am sure he felt like he was being brought before the firing squad. They were pretty brutal.

Him and I talked outside by his car then later that night on the phone. The communication was really good, honest, open. I was still concerned about the asshole comment. His feelings were valid but name calling is not acceptable in my book. As we continued to talk on the phone he went on to tell me how sensitive he is but most people think he is an asshole. Red flag, red flag! If most people think you’re an asshole… Could it be, because you are?  I didn’t ask him that. The night had been bad enough and I still liked him but now had reservations about him. My brain was tired and I didn’t want to go down that road.

A week later, at Sunday dinner, A’s name came up. All the suspects were present (except him of course). My sisters and their boyfriends volleyed one joke/jab/insult after another about him. Not in a particularly cruel way, just the usual sarcasm that abounds in my family.  It was during this conversation that I learned A had confronted the roomie about not picking him up. The details of his life he had willingly spilled to her. Which totally invalidates his anger at her asking him one question in relation to the details he so openly offered. 

All things considered, I knew that A had to go. That there was no future there after all. No possibility. There were way too many red flags. His life is far too complicated for me to get wrapped up in. And he smokes. One of my best friends told me we will never know if he was an asshole because I set him up for failure and chose to cut and run without exploring it further. Well, that is slightly paraphrasing what she said but it is the gist of it. She is right in some ways. Maybe if we had gone out just him and I, maybe if he hadn’t felt so attacked and met my family on the first date, maybe… 

So many maybes but what is done, is done. I did screw up. I was too excited to see him. Haste makes waste. I made a bad call that probably created most of the other bad calls, leading to his mistakes. No matter, I screwed up, he acted out, and it is over. There is no more fork in the road, no more question, I am veering left and seeking out the life I deserve. One that doesn’t involve A.

Reading The Signs

I am a firm believer in signs and I have been receiving a few lately. Ever since my Uncle John passed I have been on a (slow) quest to be healthier. After watching traditional western medicine fail him, I have begun questioning it. A lot.

While my Uncle John’s health was dwindling my other Uncle ended up in the hospital as well. Not once, not twice, but three trips to the emergency room in excruciating pain (without being given pain meds) before they figured out what was going on with his back.

Both of my uncles were seen and treated at the same hospital, a hospital I have always held in very high regard, or rather, used to. As I watched them suffer, and tried in vain to advocate for their care and well being. Since I have been drawn for awhile now to more holistic care… Well, I was ripe for this change.

A few months back a friend of mine started talking about essential oils, Young Living Essential Oils to be exact. I was definitely intrigued and she was immediately impassioned by them. I kind of filed it away in the back of my mind. Something I wanted to look into but not yet. I figured I would see how she felt about these magical oils after a few months. Besides, I had a lot going on so I was not up to something new.

About a month ago now I noticed another person talking about Young Living Essential Oils on Facebook. I thought it was interesting that two people I knew were raving about these oils. My curiosity was now heightened. I was getting ready to contact my friend to ask her a million and a half questions when I met a third person who was touting the benefits of Young Living Essential Oils.

I am a believer in the number 3. It stands for completeness and tends to be a very powerful or significant number. Here was a third person talking about how wonderful essential oils were and here I was, wanting a healthier way of living my life, less dependent on chemicals and medication. I threw my hands up in the air and surrendered. It was time to check this stuff out.

I have been using Young Living Essential Oils for a week now and I have to say I am very impressed. When I received my kit I was suffering from an awful head cold. I was so congested, my head, my ears, etc. DayQuil and NyQuil were only going so far which wasn’t very truth be told. I got my kit on a Wednesday and immediately text my friend.

“I’ve got a cold. Super congested. A bit stressed out. What do I do?”

“Put a drop of lemon oil in a glass of water and drink it,” she said. “Rub some Thieves Oil on your feet at bedtime. Apply Lavender under your nose and across the bridge of your nose. Also, diffuse some in your diffuser.”

I did just that. Approximately twenty minutes after starting my diffuser with Lavender oil I felt myself calming. I text my friend, sure that I was crazy. “How long does diffusing lavender take to relax you?” She told me it took her about 15-20 minutes to notice a difference. I was right on target. That night, diffusing Lavender in my room, I slept so well.

Ever since then I have been diffusing Lavender and sometimes Valor at night. Last night I was feeling a tense. I could feel it in my shoulders, creeping up my neck and into my scalp. Again, I text my guru for some advice and decided to apply Peppermint oil to the back of my neck, a drop of Stress Relief oil into a glass of water and started the diffuser with Lavender and Valor. Release and relaxation found me quickly. It was wonderful. I didn’t have to reach for my Xanax (a beautiful, wonderful med, a controlled substance that many women abuse).

I am only a week into my journey with essential oils but I have already experienced enough benefits that I am very interested and open to learning more. I am very much looking forward to a few classes in the next couple of weeks about essential oils that are held locally. One day, soon I hope, I will be able to manage my General Anxiety Disorder with exercise, nutrition, and essential oils as well as other holistic options. I am tired of living my life at the whim of some mad scientist, a society that dishes out drugs like candy and poisons our food for profit. I am happy as I look to a future that combines the best of Western Medicine with the beauty of Holistic care.

Content

Despite all my protesting yesterday, metro-Detroit has been blanketed with yet another layer of snow. I am so tired of snow and yet, today, it just keeps on falling. Before this storm is all said and done we could have 6-10 inches of accumulation. I wanted to retire my snowblower for this season. It served me well but it was time for it to rest. I guess Mother Nature has other ideas.

Despite my whining, I am, in fact in a fairly good mood. I am happy actually. I am feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin, my life, and my choices. I am bursting with happiness at the thought of all the people out there in this world with the courage and conviction to be themselves, wholly and completely. I am blessed to have a group of friends who unabashedly pursue their passions, even if it may label them “weird.” Weird is a less and less scary concept as one gets older I have found.

Years ago, I would not have left the house without makeup, most likely a full face of makeup. Now, I could care less. Most of the time on my days off I do not bother to wear make up, or if I do, it is simply because I feel like it, not that I feel I have to wear it.

When I first started this blog I barley told anyone that I had a blog. First off, it’s a lot of random nonsense that I write. It’s not like I could say, “check out my blog about such and such topic,” and tell people how I am making an impact. I write what comes to mind. Sometimes I write what doesn’t come to mind because the act of writing is therapeutic in, and of, itself.

Now, I am actually linking my new blog entries to my twitter account. I am being more open about it, more open about myself. I am who I am and I am ok with that, assuming I am not hurting anyone else.

So while today may be miserable and cold I am content and secure in this little life I’ve carved out for myself. What more could one ask for?

A Stupid Thing

The past few weeks I have had several dreams of my friend T, the one who vanished on me a year and a half ago. In these dreams I miss her so much it hurts. There is an ache inside of me when, in these dreams, I run into her in the oddest of places. Stores, salons, homes of friends, relatives, or strangers. 

The location changes, the people tied to me running into her changes. However, the initial confrontation is nearly always the same. I can feel anger, perhaps even hatred, radiating off of her. Somehow we are forced together, forced to interact. I am nervous. Here is this person, this friend that I loved for so long. She truly helped to change my life. It’s painful, seeing the disdain in her eyes as she looks at me. By some miracle, as we are forced together, cautiously, oh so slowly, things begin to shift. The anger starts to dissipate, my nervousness is melting too. 

Somehow, we find our way back to being friends. 

In daylight, I know that this is far fetched. Knowing that back when our friendship ended I did call and text for several weeks without a single response. Her departure was devastating but soon eclipsed by the loss of Aunt Mickey and Gram. I think in some ways, my grief over the demise of our friendship was swallowed up wholly and ignored. I can only imagine that is why it still haunts me… 

Back to present day and the stupid thing I did. Friday I had an inspired idea that I would reach out to her. With all the time that had passed maybe it was time to rekindle our friendship. I was nervous as I called and after a few rings I was sure she wasn’t going to answer but then I realize, she did answer. 

“Hello,” she said neutrally.

“Hey, T, it’s Kelly.” I was excited like a little kid, maybe the dreams were prophetic.

“Yeah.” 

“You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I wanted to see how you are doing.” 

“I’m fine.” Click. She hung up.  

I was not entirely shocked. I was a bit crestfallen. I was also aware. It was time to let go. Totally. Completely. 

The only people who will be in our lives are the ones who choose to be. She has chosen. She doesn’t want to be in mine. It’s painful and it sucks. To be clear, I am not putting all the blame on her. I’m sure she has her reasons, just none that she ever shared with me. So I cannot illustrate wrong doing on my part, not because I am blameless but because I am not aware. 

I kicked myself for having called. I could have left it alone. I’m not that person though. If I feel, in my gut, that I need to do something; I do it. Did it bring up fresh hurt? Yes. Did it solidify where things are in my life? Yes. Is it time to move forward in that area of my life and not look back? Abso-fucking-lutely.