Need

Here I sit with a blank page before me, words and thoughts tumbling through my mind, and the incessant barking of my pups in the background. I need to write. I need to share. I need to let the darker parts of me out to play.

Lately I have not written. Not on my blog, not in my journal, not anywhere save for a few emails to a dear friend. There is a price that writers pay when they do not write. It’s called unhappiness. There is this whole part of a person that can be left utterly unfulfilled simply from the lack of creating. That is where I am now.

Don’t get me wrong, in an over all picture, I am not unhappy right now. Just the creative part of me that is dying from lack of care. It is time to fix that. There is a saying, I think, that a soul is a garden that must be tended to daily. Or perhaps they were referring to happiness? I don’t recall now. All I know that we must take constant care of ourselves and those we love to get anywhere in life.

Want to know why my dogs are barking? Because they are bored. Because they have too much energy. Because I haven’t challenged their brains or tired them in anyway. So what is the easiest way to amuse themselves and release that energy? Barking at everything that moves.

What we ignore will always find a way out… Even if that way is not pretty. It usually isn’t pretty when the things we try to sweep under the rug start to come out sideways. That is why the best way to handle life is head on. I’m trying to live life that way.

The older I get the more confident I am in myself and the need to communicate. I will reach out and seek answers when feeling unsure of a situation or insecure. The truth may hurt but it also sets you free. Life is far too short to live in doubt or spend hours agonizing over what we suspect may be the truth. Rip the band off and know for sure. At least this way you can move forward.

For some time now I have been grieving the sudden and inexplicable loss of a valued friendship. T and I had been friends for 10 years and suddenly, one day we weren’t. I could try to explain it but the honest to God’s truth is that I do not know why our friendship ended. The only glimpse of an answer I’ve received was that there were wounds in our past that had been glazed over. Wounds I didn’t know existed. At this point, we haven’t spoke in nine months. I miss my friend. I have analyzed it, the struggle shows up in my dreams, I’ve wanted to write a passive aggressive blog entry about it, etc. In the end though, I still have no more answers now than I did nine months ago. The only explanation I can give myself is that our friendship ran its course, which is not something I ever expected to happen. While I could be catty or passive aggressive (even though she’d never see it), would demean the friendship we had. So… instead, I still mourn the loss though every day is easier. Time lessens the pain.

I’m realizing how non-sensical this whole entry is but while it may be jumping from one thought to the next it is healing too.Sometimes a person just needs to open up a bit and let the ideas flow. Acknowledging their presence can be a comfort in and of itself. So to anyone who may have read this entry, thank you. I needed this.

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2 thoughts on “Need

  1. I was also going to quote that line, the one that Linda above mentioned. It is so true. So true. I am sorry for your loss of your friend. A couple of years ago, my deepest friendship was abruptly ended without so much as a phone call to say so. I just never heard from her again.

    I’m glad that you wrote this. Just letting thoughts pour out.

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