I’ve been struggling lately even while I am achieving, learning, and growing. I would say it seems odd to have success and failure working in tandem but that is just the way of life, or at least it’s the way of my life. On the one hand I’m more “grown up,” now than I have ever been. I have a house to take care of. Cleaning, cooking, bill paying, getting my mortgage together, taking care of my three dogs. My life has a lot of responsibility to it. On the other hand, one of my goals/achievements/focuses as of late is simply making it to work. I’ve worked since I was fifteen years old. I don’t think I ever missed a day of work when I was a manager. I didn’t start missing work at all until my anxiety issues reached an all time high in my mid twenties.
There is the crux of it. My battle with anxiety, my need to “be strong,” my over active mind, the worrywart tendencies I inherited from my grandmother and mother. In my younger years I pushed myself so hard to be strong. To not need to open up or ask for help from others. I was the one that took care of other people. I was naive. Life broke me, or rather anxiety did. It took me down a path of owning up to my weaknesses, opening myself up to others, risking being judged or hurt. Maybe that is not such a bad thing.
After all, we need other people, as much as I don’t want to rely on others. As much as I sometimes want to shut the world out. Sometimes, I do, which is the issue at hand. Sometimes I need to hide because it is too much. Some days, I wake up after a restless night, feeling tense, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I just can’t. Which is different than the lazy feeling of “I just don’t wanna.” I know there are people who don’t get it, can’t get it. I know there are others who do, who have anxiety issues too, who probably judge me for being weak from time to time. I know there are plenty of people who suffer from anxiety disorders that do, regardless of how they may be feeling. Which gets me really down because why am I weak? Why am I weak when others are not?
Then I start to run down the mental checklist of the “things I have been through just lately,” and add to it, “the things I’ve lived through in the past decade and haven’t dealt with,” and realize maybe that is why I am weak. As I ponder it some more after a mental beating from myself, I know that everyone deals differently. Grief, loss, stress, affect everyone differently. I am managing the best way that I can. I am on medication, I am fairly open about what is going on inside my head, I try my best to process things, I try my best to push myself. I am considering therapy. So while I a may be failing in some areas, I am succeeding in others. If that isn’t good enough for anyone else, well, that’s just too bad. I’m doing the best I can.