Tonight I am pondering dating and relationships. Anyone that knows me in the realm we call, “Real Life,” knows I am HORRIBLE at dating. There is a reason that at the age of 32 I am still single. For that matter, the fact that I have only had one relationship and for most of it he was out of the country.
I have a few patterns that contribute to my eternal singledom (which is a state I tend to prefer anyway). To start with I tend to make bad choices. I am usually attracted to guys that are not as into me as I am into them. Significant unbalance when it comes to dating spells disaster from the start. Which is probably why I go that route. Besides the disappointment that will follow and the longing that will go unfulfilled: it’s safe. I won’t have to commit or let anyone in. I won’t have to change my life to accommodate someone else.
When I do meet someone that is genuinely interested in me, I find a way to wreck it or push them away. If a guy pays attention to me, makes an effort, and wants to spend time with me, I freak out. I find enough flaws in them to push them away and I happily return to singledom, proud of myself for trying. I mean, what do I want with a genuinely nice guy who likes me?
If all that wasn’t enough I over think things in the biggest way. I start trying to figure out what it would be like to be married to that person. Would I be happy with x, y, z behavior? If the answer is no, I cut and run. That is not entirely my fault though. My mother drilled it into me since I was a small child, “NEVER marry a man thinking that you can change him. You can’t. People only change if they want to change themselves. Unless you can live with him the way he is, do not marry him.” I just take it to an extreme. Rather than have open, honest, communication about differences or potential deal-breakers I assume a man to be unwilling to change or comprise and cut him loose. Healthy right?
These are some of the obstacles I have to overcome if I am going to ever have a relationship (healthy or not). Well, these, and the insane fear that dating someone exclusively is akin to surrendering my independence and losing myself. Will I ever overcome these issues? I guess I’ll find out…