Blur

I am a blur of emotions lately. Before I can fully identify one emotion and process it I am on to the next. No I am not pregnant. No I am not bi-polar. I am just me. A woman who sometimes feels too deeply and other times it seems I don’t feel at all. I can be remote and detached as I observe the world around me as if I am looking at it all from above. This used to worry me, once upon a time. Now I know it is simply me. For the most part I like me. Sometimes, not so much.

Yesterday my anxiety won in our daily battle. It claimed me as a victim. I woke, nervous for how busy my day would be at work. I remembered other days when work was busy. The feeling of so many people around me, moving, talking, the sensory overload. I could feel the anxiety start to flutter through my chest, the muscles tightening, the tension start to creep in. I could feel it working its way to my gut, clenching, twisting, threatening.  I considered taking a Xanax. I thought about taking Formula 303 (seems to be a natural version of Xanax). I thought of how I’d let down my fellow coworkers if I called in. I thought. Too much. I stared at the time on my phone wondering if I was strong enough or if the strong thing to do was to shield myself from further stressors.

Ultimately I opted to stay home. I told my sister, who was not happy. She loves me and she is an amazing woman, but we have very different personalities. She also doesn’t suffer from anxiety. I’m not sure she was really judging me or if it was all in my head. I don’t really know. Siblings have effects on us that others will never have. I stayed in my bed where I felt safe and warm, snuggled with my pups.

This past week has been a hell of a week. My Uncle John was hospitalized for the third time since October. He was put in the ICU, he was septic. The tube in his side was infected. Again. He hadn’t even finished his last round of antibiotics. After heavy doses of antibiotics given through a tube in his neck, he was moved out of ICU. The next day his tube was replaced. He is at home again.

It hit me really hard. He needs this tube to get his body to filter and drain toxins properly. I know when things are not good his Bilirubin count goes up, whatever that is. I know it relates to the liver. The thing is, this mass is causing all the issues. The mass is too large or intricately woven around blood vessels and such to operate on. It impairs his body’s ability to filter toxins on its own. Hence the tube. He needs chemo and radiation to shrink the mass so they can remove it. He has to be healthy enough to have the port put in and to start treatment. But the tube that he NEEDS to keep things working properly for now keeps getting infected. Which halts the progress on treating the mass. Meanwhile the mass is growing, I’m sure. It just feels like it is all going in circles. I am so irritated with doctors and hospitals and even nurses. Usually I love nurses but I tried asking his nurse in the ICU some questions and she talked to me like I was an idiot so I gave up. I’m not the type to back down but my Uncle thinks very highly of his doctors and nurses and I knew it would bother him if I pushed the issue further. I personally do not like his doctors.

What I am trying to say, is I’ve been stressed and feeling somewhat down with all that has been going on. I feel pressured. Yet at times, I find pockets of happiness that fill my being. Today is Christmas Eve and my boss was kind enough to give me the day off. The family will come over to bake soon. Tomorrow we will all be together to enjoy the holiday. I am very blessed. While my emotions may be on a bit of a roller-coaster ride with all that is going on, blurring and blending, I am focusing on maintaining my gratitude.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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