Today is Gram’s birthday, the notion of which, took my breath away. Late Thursday night, technically Friday morning I checked the notification center on my phone to see that Gram’s birthday was ‘tomorrow.’ I literally couldn’t breathe. It hit me with an intensity I was not prepared for. It has definitely taken a toll on my subconscious all week. My anxiety has been elevated. This morning I was a sobbing mess in my bed. I was supposed to be going out with some friends this evening but when I made the plans, I didn’t realize it was Gram’s birthday. When I awoke this morning, attempting to coordinate transportation, it all just overwhelmed me. I tried to push it down but some feelings will not be ignored.
After my mini breakdown in bed, I got up, and made a cup of tea. I sat down with my pups and lost myself in a book for awhile. It seemed to help. I was feeling confidant that I could go out tonight. Then I started to get ready,with no distraction, my focus turned inward. I realized that social activities were not happening for me this evening. The pain in my stomach, the tightness in my neck and scalp, the sorrow in my heart. I needed to either stay home or partake in some family time perhaps.
I feel like a jerk for bailing on my friends especially last minute. Luckily, as I’ve said before, I have some pretty amazing friends. Once I made the decision to skip out on our plans I felt a little better. I went over to my parents’ house to have my dad check out my car and the three of us went out to dinner. I hung out with them for awhile before finally returning home. My sister and I picked up the all essential tool for coping: Ben & Jerry’s.
This first year without her, I think every significant date will be difficult. She was such an incredible woman. Gram, Queen Margaret, Happy Birthday wherever you are and I love you.