I Surrender

I Surrender.

The past week or so I have not been feeling well. It is like I am on the verge of getting sick or being sick. A lingering feeling, like a dark gray cloud following me around. Every morning the past week I’ve had to force myself to get out of bed. Literally force myself to get up, be responsible, go to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, quite the opposite. I just wake up feeling drained. Congested. My stomach has been hating me lately. I feel feverish but I am not. I’m achey.

Today, I surrender. I called in. After a night of having issues sleeping due to raging heartburn and a general feeling of malaise, I surrender. Rest. Fluids. Taking it easy. I’ve had several cups of tea with honey throughout the day. I’ve eaten. I’ve napped with my snuggly pups. I’ve restored my phone and set it up as new, I’ve organized some photos. Emailed a dear friend. Chat with people I love. Now I’ve moved on to blogging and watching movies I’ve seen before for comforting background noise.

I want to shake this whole not feeling well business. Am I sick? Have I caught one of the many bugs going around? Is it my anxiety or depression rearing their ugly heads? I think that is what is irritating me the most. The idea that it may be one of my two life long enemies. Anxiety or depression. They’re both nasty foes. I would say I hate them both but they make me stronger. More empathetic. They challenge me. They give me an appreciation for the darker side of life. They force me to fight for the life I want. Right now I’m pissed if they are trying to come in and stake their claim. I will triumph.

Lately my friend, one of my best friends, my person, and I have been discussing life. What’s the meaning? The point? Why the monotony? What makes life worth living? I can empathize. I’ve been there. Thanks to anxiety, depression, wrong meds, and perhaps the biggest evil of all: thinking way too much. 

There was definitely a time in my life that thinking too much would keep me from doing things I would really like to do. I would ponder all the what if’s and what’s the point’s until I just… Didn’t. I would stay home in misery instead. I would think too much. Trying to find the logic.

Life isn’t supposed to be logical. It’s messy and full of feelings we will never understand. Or at least not at the time. But there is a purpose, a reason. Its the feelings. The connections. The experience.

I think we are set up to fail. I think we have these unbelievable, unattainable, preconceived notions about what life should look and feel like, and it never does. So we get depressed. We start dissecting it. Destroying it. Minimizing it. We think too hard about it.

When we do that, life, it just falls short. So we sink deeper and deeper into the abyss. Lord knows I have been there. Probably will be again someday. Some times I think its important that we marinate in the ugliness inside of us, own it. Be it. Dwell, pity, roll around in the misery. But then we have to shake it off. Make the conscious choice to be what and who we really want to be.

I dunno. Maybe I am overly simple. Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to conquer the world. Today? Today, I surrender.

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