I Surrender

I Surrender.

The past week or so I have not been feeling well. It is like I am on the verge of getting sick or being sick. A lingering feeling, like a dark gray cloud following me around. Every morning the past week I’ve had to force myself to get out of bed. Literally force myself to get up, be responsible, go to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, quite the opposite. I just wake up feeling drained. Congested. My stomach has been hating me lately. I feel feverish but I am not. I’m achey.

Today, I surrender. I called in. After a night of having issues sleeping due to raging heartburn and a general feeling of malaise, I surrender. Rest. Fluids. Taking it easy. I’ve had several cups of tea with honey throughout the day. I’ve eaten. I’ve napped with my snuggly pups. I’ve restored my phone and set it up as new, I’ve organized some photos. Emailed a dear friend. Chat with people I love. Now I’ve moved on to blogging and watching movies I’ve seen before for comforting background noise.

I want to shake this whole not feeling well business. Am I sick? Have I caught one of the many bugs going around? Is it my anxiety or depression rearing their ugly heads? I think that is what is irritating me the most. The idea that it may be one of my two life long enemies. Anxiety or depression. They’re both nasty foes. I would say I hate them both but they make me stronger. More empathetic. They challenge me. They give me an appreciation for the darker side of life. They force me to fight for the life I want. Right now I’m pissed if they are trying to come in and stake their claim. I will triumph.

Lately my friend, one of my best friends, my person, and I have been discussing life. What’s the meaning? The point? Why the monotony? What makes life worth living? I can empathize. I’ve been there. Thanks to anxiety, depression, wrong meds, and perhaps the biggest evil of all: thinking way too much. 

There was definitely a time in my life that thinking too much would keep me from doing things I would really like to do. I would ponder all the what if’s and what’s the point’s until I just… Didn’t. I would stay home in misery instead. I would think too much. Trying to find the logic.

Life isn’t supposed to be logical. It’s messy and full of feelings we will never understand. Or at least not at the time. But there is a purpose, a reason. Its the feelings. The connections. The experience.

I think we are set up to fail. I think we have these unbelievable, unattainable, preconceived notions about what life should look and feel like, and it never does. So we get depressed. We start dissecting it. Destroying it. Minimizing it. We think too hard about it.

When we do that, life, it just falls short. So we sink deeper and deeper into the abyss. Lord knows I have been there. Probably will be again someday. Some times I think its important that we marinate in the ugliness inside of us, own it. Be it. Dwell, pity, roll around in the misery. But then we have to shake it off. Make the conscious choice to be what and who we really want to be.

I dunno. Maybe I am overly simple. Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to conquer the world. Today? Today, I surrender.

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Three Weeks

Tomorrow, or in all reality, a half an hour from now, marks the three week anniversary of Gram’s passing. I miss her. Every. Single. Day. I’m doing better, I’m coping, I’m living. I’m looking for the small things to keep me happy. I feel stronger. I reassure myself that it was her time and that she is better off than any of us. But I miss her. And I wonder how long I will count her passing in weeks. At some point, it will become a yearly anniversary. Even then, we’ll start to question how many years has it been. That realization makes me sad. As it does in regards to my papa and my aunt Marianne. It makes me feel like they have somehow become less to me, even if I miss them more, in some ways.

Grief and loss are tricky bastards. Ones, as a child, I wished desperately to avoid. As only a child can, with blind faith, I prayed nightly that my family would live forever. Every single one of us. So that we never had to be apart and I would never have to lose anyone that I loved. I’m not angry at God that He didn’t answer my prayers as I asked for them. I trust somewhere in His infinite wisdom He probably has a better plan than I do. Comes with the territory I suppose. Still, I miss the loved ones that have crossed over.

In case anyone is wondering or hasn’t figured it out, yes, I certainly believe in an afterlife. I believe that our loved ones communicate with us in some ways. Even if we don’t understand it because we are too busy to notice. Also, I am a woman of faith. Religion? Church? Those things I tend to take issue with but faith, faith never fails me. I have faith that my family members are now in heaven. I have faith I’ll be there too one day. I love faith.

In the days following Gram’s passing I found myself unable to cry. The day she passed I cried my eyes out on and off all day. Several days later I was watching Grey’s Anatomy. A very emotional scene played out before my eyes, one that was not unlike what I just experienced in my own life, in a hospital, with my family. I didn’t shed a tear. I’m a woman that tears up over commercials. I was suddenly concerned that I had lost my ability to cry. I was scared that I was undergoing a personality shift that would leave me detached, cold, unfeeling. Tonight, as I close in on the third week anniversary of her death, I’m tearing up over the tv. I’m getting back to myself. That is a bit of a comfort.

I’m feeling a lot stronger nowadays. I feel like Gram knows I need to live. I am not beating myself up anymore for how I “think,” I should feel, and for not acting that way. I am grieving. I miss her. I still find myself looking for her as I enter a room. I keep waiting to hear her laugh or one of her smart ass comments. When the realization hits that that won’t be happening, I’m sad. I find there is this empty ache in my heart for her. For Papa. For Aunt Marianne, Aunt Mickey. The list starts to build. And then I remember they are all together somewhere, happy, healthy. I start to focus on the good times, the good memories. They way they made me feel. I find that emptiness getting filled to the brim with love. I can’t be sad when I’ve been blessed with so many wonderful, incredible people in my life. I have to live. For me. for them. For all the ones I love that are still here.

Yes, one day I won’t be counting my loss in weeks. One day… it will just be, “my Gram is gone.” While it is bittersweet, it will be progress. For now, I’m 22 minutes away from the three week anniversary of my Grandmother’s passing. Love you Queen Margaret.

Seven Year Anniversary

Today is the seven year anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Seven years ago my Papa left this Earth for a better life. I still miss him daily. I can so clearly remember that last week of his life. I have so many memories from the time we spent together as I grew up.

He was a man like no other. I think he set the bar as far as romance and such for me. Until the day he could no longer drive, he would ALWAYS buy my gram something for their anniversary, Valentine’s day, Sweetest Day, etc. He was thoughtful and charming. A very sharp dresser, very meticulous in all that he did. He was one of the best men I have ever known.

Seven years ago, when he fell ill and was hospitalized for the last time he told us, “No more. No more fighting.” And he asked Gram to come with him. She told him at that time that she couldn’t. This year he finally got his wish. She is with him again. They are reunited. I don’t know after seven years of peace if he is still happy with that invitation. Kidding Gram! They were the most in love couple I have ever seen.

While it hurts to know they are no longer “here,” with me,I’m glad they are together again. It seems appropriate that in time for the seven year anniversary of his death, he has his bride once more. There are so many more things I want to say but I can’t seem to find the words.

I love you Gammie and Papa. You two were the best grandparents a girl could have. Not a day will go by that I don’t think of you and miss you.