Evaluation repost from 5/9/09

Lately I feel as if I am running in place. No, not literally. I mean, as far as my life. As much work as I am putting into different aspects of my life I feel as if I am not getting anywhere, I’m only exhausting myself.

Realistically speaking, I know there are small amounts of progress being made. I’m evaluating the friendships and relationships I have in my life. I’ve been so overwhelmed with trying to find a balance. How do I spend time with my family? My extended family? My friends? Date? Have time for myself? Its been a bit of a mystery to me.

Then, last weekend, my mom showed me an article in the Detroit Free Press about Twitter and how over-connected we are today. When I sat down to think about that later on (ok, when I tried to go to sleep that night and couldn’t because of the wheels churning in my brain) I started to think about who really matters to me. I found that I have been neglecting the people that mattered the most to me, and putting most of my energy into people who undoubtedly will be transient figures in my life. By Monday morning I woke up feeling refreshed, knowing that I can’t be there for everyone. Its impossible. I just need to nurture the friendships and relationships I have with the people that I truly love and love me in return.

Which brings me to the next mystery I had been pondering for some time. How much effort should one be putting into friendships/relationships without getting it back? I’m the type that doesn’t like to give up. So I will continue to call, to try to be there, to make plans, to have it all amount to nothing really. I recently had a friend move back to the area. I was so glad he was coming home at last. However, after a series of unanswered phone calls, ambiguous answers in text messages as to whether or not we’d be hanging out, and then the straw that broke the camel’s back…. He invited me to hang out and he barely said two words to me all night. I got up, said I was leaving, and went to hang out with a friend that actually acknowledges me. That was the point, after two years of knowing this person, I saw how truly unimportant I am to him. I’m done. While it was a sad realization it was also empowering. I’m not going to be ignored or taken for granted anymore. There are others in my life right now that I would love to have our friendships deepen, evolve into something greater. But if I’m the only one making the effort, well I suppose I have my answer right away. Its a one-sided friendship, and if that is the case, I can enjoy my own company without the frustration of being disappointed by another.

On the bright side, and yes, the Polly-Ana in me can’t dwell on the negative forever, I’ve been meeting a lot of strong, brave, sensitive, incredible women. Women who, like me, are on a mission to reach out and empower others. And that is something worth smiling about.

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