What to write what to write

Here I am on a gorgeous day in the middle of September. The sun is shining there’s a gentle breeze and life is beautiful. Far from perfect but it is beautiful. So here I sit thinking I should write. I don’t really have an agenda for what I am going to say but there have been so many thoughts bouncing around in my head lately I may as well let them out and see where they take me…

I think that now, at the age of 30, I am finally ready to go back to college. I started at community college as soon as I graduated high school. I was going part time for a degree in business administration, the goal being human resource management. At the time I was working in fast food and the franchise I was with was promising me “big thing.” I thought that by the time I got my degree they may have room for me at the “office,” and I could revamp the company, make it more compassionate, etc.

The problem was business classes bored me to death. They just seemed so common sense that I wanted to beat my head against a wall sitting there listening to the professors. Granted I certainly learned some new ideas but mainly I was bored. Paying for boredom several hours a week, sitting in a classroom after doing a 10 hour day at work just didn’t make much sense to me. Besides I think a big part of me was going to college at that time because it seemed like the thing to do. You graduate, you go to college. No question. I’m sure that had I chose not to go my parents actually would have accepted it. They would have questioned me, asked what my goals were for my life and how was I going to reach them but they would have accepted my choice as well as my judgement. (my parents are pretty awesome that way).

Eventually by the age of 21 or 22 I quit going to school. The last semester I did attend I had a creative writing class which was definitely one of my favorite classes. I did very well at college but it was an obligation rather than anything else. Besides I was going for a degree because it sounded like a good thing to do, would lead to a good job, and one that I was not really passionate about. Don’t get me wrong, improving the work place (or any human condition) is certainly a passion of my mine but it wasn’t really the right fit. So I quit.

Ever since I have had continued dreams about school. Typically I am back in high school but I am my current age. I have all the life experience I’ve earned so far and somehow being in a classroom with the same people I attended high school with left me feeling less than but also more than.

I felt less than because I thought these people were doing more with their lives, hitting all the checklists that make one successful. College education? Check. Fall in love? Check. Live with someone or get married? Check. Have a kid? Check. Travel the world? Check. Start your own business? Check. Work your way up the corporate ladder & get a fancy title? Check.

Me? I’ve done hardly any of those things. I sometimes feel like I am living within myself rather than fully living. Which makes me ask, what the hell have I been doing? Then I take stock of my life and experiences I realize I’m doing just fine. You can’t compare your life to that of another. We all have our own struggles. And everyone tries their best to make their life sound glamourous and exciting (especially on facebook). That’s not a real barometer for success.

So at that point in the dream something would happen involving an authority figure being a dick, leaving me feeling unprepared and putting me down somehow. At that moment I would find my inner strength and say, “No way, this is not happening. You can’t treat me like that, I’m not going to stand for it,” although usually in my dreams it involves more expletives. Then I walk out with my head held high with a sense of, “I’ve already accomplished what they wanted to teach me.”

Despite the sense of awareness and self-knowledge I have in these dreams (every. single. time.) I know that deep down, somewhere inside of me, I want more. I want more for myself. I’ve done a lot but I have a long way to go. I want to learn more, know more, do more, be more.

I am finally ready.

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